On the brink of a pit

She closed the door of her room behind her and sat on the bed. Gazing at the circular print on her carpet, she felt the world spin. Closed her eyes. It was still spinning. She felt so tired and overwhelmed, and in need of some solace.

On her way back home, she secretly bought a pack of cigarettes. And though she was not a smoker, it felt like her blood was craving for some nicotine. Reached to her pocket and took out the pack and the newly bought lighter. She took out a cigarette and with her shivery hand moved it towards her pale lips. When she lit it up and took the first drag, it was as if she was born a smoker. Her whole body relaxed as the poison went through her lungs into her blood stream.

After a while, she realized that the window was the only source of light. She stood up and opened it a bit. The cold breeze playfully moved her hair. The smell of moist tickled her nose as she took another drag on her soon-to-finish cigarette. When she finished it, she threw it outside. Leaning on the wall, watching the far-away cars moving, she sighed. Her body felt weak, and her soul felt heavy. She dragged her body and sat on the floor beside the bed. And without being fully aware of what she was doing, she reached to the drawer, took out her sleeping pills and tossed 2 pills in her palm. Looking at them while longing for a long, deep sleep, the 2 pills seemed ineffective. Tossed two more. Then another pill, and another, and another. One by one. Until her palm was full. “That should make me sleep” she thought. Took the glass of water at the side of her bed and started swallowing the pills in batches. When her palm was empty, she relaxed her head on the bed and surrendered for the chemicals to take action.

Within seconds, her body felt like it was floating, and all the weight she had inside her subsided. And as she was stepping into her eternal coma, hallucinating about jumping down a waterfall, she heard a voice. A reviving voice. A voice that made her heart jump out of her chest. She was fighting her fate, trying to capture that distant voice. She tried to move, she tried to get up, but her body was glued to the floor, he eyes were completely shut. And while not knowing what was real and what was not, she heard the voice again. Mommy! Mommy wake up! The voice said.. “Mommy?” she thought.. “He is calling me mommy… where am I? Who am I?” She dazed in a pool of hallucinations mixed with a glimpse of the reality. She was very tired. She can’t fight the sleep anymore. She can’t… fight… any… more…

MOMMY DON’T LEAVE ME!!! PLLEEEEEAAAASE!

She freaked out. How could she forget! That’s her son, who was in the other room watching tv! How could she do that to him! Where did this selfishness come from!!! She struggled to show him that she was still alive. She didn't know whether she was hallucinating or not, but she was trying to move her lips. Her tongue felt so heavy.. words were not coming out.. “Come on! Come on!” she said to herself. She sensed him sitting beside her, and for some reason reality started to overcome her hallucinations. She could smell the moist coming from the open window. Struggling to move her hand, she was able to lift her fingers up. Mommy! Can you hear me? Mommy please answer me!  “oh baby.. yes I can.. but I’m not able to find my voice…” And just as she was surrendering again, something felt like a big stone in her stomach, she cried out loud. And as soon as the cry was over, a gush of vomit followed. She started coughing hard. Although she wasn't really able to move, although the imaginary waterfall was still rippling in the back of her head, she was finally able to open her eyes. Her vision was blurry, but she saw her son’s hazel eyes filled with tears and horror. She moved her hand towards him. He took her hand in his.. then she said “9..1..1.. baby… call…. 911…noww”. He left her hand and ran quickly to the phone.

As her body glued to the floor again, her eyes closed forcefully. Between the voice of her 10 year old calling for help and the relaxing sound of that waterfall, she found herself going towards the cliff.