September 11, 2016

My Safe Haven

Nothing beats the feeling of the running water of the shower on your shoulders at the end of the day. 

There I was, feeling the strong rush of water tapping every nerve end. With each tap, underlying feelings sneak up. Feelings I have been suppressing. Like a pot of tea on the stove, it slowly gets warmer and warmer, until it is too late and the process of heating the tea is unstoppable. The tea starts to bubble up. 

Under the shower, I stand tall at first. Shoulders stiff. Face serious. It is like meeting your love after a fight. You try to be strong and apathetic. Then as soon as he says the first word and you hear his voice, your muscles loosen up, and your anger starts to melt down. 

In the shower, I can act however I want to act. There is no one to see my weakness, no one to hear my sobs. Even I cannot feel the warmth of my tears running down. 

When I feel like the ground underneath me is crumbling and volcanoes are about to explode, the shower is my safe haven. I stay there for as long as needed. I only get out when the crisis has ended. 


March 29, 2014

Keep the Door Open

When you least want it. When you least expect it. So suddenly, and so vigorously it knocks at your door. For some reason, as much as you do not want it, and as much as you resist, you find yourself forced to open the door for it.

This is Love.

The (sometimes) unwelcomed guest that changes your whole life overnight. It takes you to places you never visited before, even if it knocked your door many times before. Every time is a new journey. A journey full of joy, tears, laughs, and fights. That bitter-sweet feeling you experience. It’s like eating the finest dark chocolate there is. The bitterness of it is right there infuriating your taste buds, but you know it is the best thing you have ever had. Despite all the shortcomings of love, for some reason, your sky is full of rainbows every day.

Love drives you crazy, in a good way. Love extracts all your positive energy; it digs so deep for it, and then spreads it all over the place. It is even able to change who you are as a person.

Love is the reason for creativity. If not for love, we wouldn’t have had movies, songs, or novels. It raises you up to levels you never thought exist. It makes life worth it. Love, to me, is the fourth dimension.

Throughout our lives, we knit a colorful piece of memories derived from love. First touch. First kiss. First time to hear the words “I love you”. The longing and yearning. The silly, oh so silly, things you’ve done in the name of love. That feeling of goose bumps running down your back. The feeling you get in your chest similar to that one you get from riding a roller-coaster  The cold breeze that teased your cheeks on that midnight ride. That spark you never see except in the eyes of the one who loves you. A certain word. A certain smell. A song. All knitted perfectly in your mind, finding their way to the surface whenever needed. If not when conscious, then in your dreams.

If you don’t have love today, be sure it is coming for you tomorrow. Whether you are too young for it, or too old. Too busy to spot it, or too hurt to bear it. It will find you, and when it does, and when you finally feel its existence, please do not keep your door closed. Open it, even if just for a sneak peek. I promise you, you will never regret it!  

Because love is so grand, it should get a Nobel prize!


October 30, 2013

Love.. not so romantic


Is there a definition for love? Can you actually define love? 

Now answer this: is it a genuine feeling about someone, a feeling that takes you head over heels? Or is it all in your head? You got used to the person, you think you love that person, then the thought builds up more and more until you actually believe you love that person!

I'm not sure if I make sense. But its all clear in my head. 

Love is that narcotic thought that we are all addicted to. We all look for it. And whenever we think we found it we grab it by the hands and the teeth. And maybe the feet too. And as soon as this "love" fades away, we start looking for it again, maybe with someone else.

I stopped believing that love is magical. I stopped believing that love can do wonders. That when you love someone you forget all his/her flaws. I stopped dreaming about love. Love is a myth that is overrated. There is no such thing called love. If there was, that spark would have stayed for years and years. But don't you see how the spark fades away with each day? Lovers turn from madly in love into people who are living together, sharing life supplies, and taking care of each other. That spark could be called curiosity,  excitement, adrenaline rush..   but its definitely not love.

It could be that we have always defined love the wrong way. Our parents, the books we read, the songs we listened to, and the movies we watched.. all defined love as that indescribable feeling you get for someone, where you suddenly mature and at the same time become so childish. Where you become a fool. When you start doing things you would definitely regret if you weren't in love. When your heartbeats start racing when you see that person, and stupid words come out of your mouth. When you spend nights staring at the ceiling dreaming of that face. 

These beliefs about love make love temporary. Love isn't perfect. Love isn't that crazy fading spark.. love is everything else that comes after that.  

I believe love is respect, care, admiration of the other person's self. Love is splitting your troubles with another person whom you trust. Love is giving without waiting for any return. Love is making compromises. It is when you see others' flaws and accept them and know how to deal with them, and also willing to change your flaws for them. Love is sharing, dreaming, and crying together. Love is also that routine you get used to. It is the responsibility and all the difficulties that come along. Love is fighting and getting angry. 

But despite all this.. and although this way makes love sound totally imperfect, love, in this new definition, is actually finding peace. 

Learn the true definition of love, then start seeking for it. The spark fades away with time. What remains after the breath-taking feelings is what love actually is..



April 10, 2013

The Domino Effect

Have you ever noticed that people die in batches? I don't know why, but every year there are a couple of months where a group of people I know die.. one after another! 

For the last two months, I think I heard of more than 7 people who passed away. People I know and others are relatives of my friends. But the one story that shook me was about a lady I never met.. 

The day before yesterday, as I was waiting for my turn to talk to my son's teacher at the parents' meeting, a group of mothers standing not so far away caught my attention. They were having an emotional conversation about someone. As soon as I heard the words "She only had a headache" and "Her daughter is with my daughter in class" I got very curious. I took a few steps towards them and said hello. They all looked at me trying to figure out who I am. I did not know any of them but I knew I had to ask.

"Sorry, but I couldn't help but hear some of what you were saying. May I ask what's the story?"


They all looked down. One mother looked me in the eye and said in a very sad tone: "It's one of the mothers here at school. She had a very bad headache last week, which she thought is due to exhaustion and did not pay much attention to, and now is in a coma. Turns out the poor lady had multiple brain strokes."

"What?!" I said. "Was she old??"
They all shook their heads. 
"No. She is our age."
"Oh my God!..... How many kids does she have?"
"She has a boy in 7th grade and two little girls in primary school and a 1.5 year old girl."


I left after I have finished the meeting. And instead of being so happy about my son's performance, that lady was all I could think of. 


Yesterday I went to pick up Faris from his friend’s house. And I stayed for a while to chit chat with his friend’s mother. So I brought up that lady’s story. Turns out she is her friend. Details of how her parents suddenly decided to come to Amman from Saudi Arabia on Sunday evening and how neither she or anyone else in her family thought this could be anything more than just a headache, and how she spent Sunday night with them only to go into immediate surgery the next day and never woke up after that gave me the chills.
While we were still talking about her, the phone rang. It was that phone call everybody dreads where you receive the news of someone’s death..

She passed away yesterday after 8 days of deep coma.. She died so young and left a whole family broken..

It is one thing that she passed away.. but all I could think of now is her kids. The boy is in a very critical age.. and the girls are too young to handle the death of their mom.. let alone her husband, mother, and father.

While I wrote this post in the warmth of my bed, there were people out there feeling cold and empty after she passed away.. there is a confused teenage boy and 3 little girls who lost a mom, a friend, and a guardian angel.

I have no idea what the future holds for this family, but for now, I only pray for them to have the strength to face the coming days…



It freaks me out how death comes so suddenly.. It freaks me out that I might be having a blast today not knowing that tomorrow I will go into my eternal sleep.. and it freaks me the most that I also could die tomorrow and leave behind my kids so young and so confused..

May your soul rest in peace Dima.. and with you I think of a dozen more who died suddenly and at a young age..


I hope they all rest in peace..