Life is unfair..

So now, with my new life, things are different. The kids don't sleep with me on weekends anymore. This is still new to me. They only went twice, and it is not easy!

Last Thursday, got an unexpected sms from my ex asking to have the kids sleep over on Thursday night instead of Friday night. As I was not mentally prepared for this, I got anxious. I went straight home after work and gave the kids a bath and prepared their bag. I was too emotional. I kept on hugging and kissing them over and over again. One time, Faris, my eldest, was like: mom, that is enough, I'm coming back tomorrow! It strikes me how a five year old can be so wise..

I was walking back and forth in the house waiting for the missed call. I checked and rechecked that they have everything in their bags. And every time I walk by one of them, I kiss or hug him.

Then, my phone rang. I was trembling from the inside! I was talking to myself "It's ok Nouran. They will be back before you know it.. It's ok.. he is their father.. It's ok, you know they sleep over at his place on weekends, a switch in days should not make a difference." But none of those reassuring thoughts helped. I went and brought their jackets. Gave them their milk cups, and my usual directions to behave and take care of each other, and then kissed them goodbye. As I watched them go down the stairs, my heart started aching. I fought that feeling. Called them, and told them how much I love them. Faris answered: Love you more.. I love it when he says that. I watched them till they both disappeared.

When I was closing the door, I had the urge to go to the window to have a final look at them. Thought about it for a second, then I went to the window. I stood in the dark and tried to be as discreet and unseen as possible. Saw them running to their father's arms. Watched how he hugged them and how he talked to them a bit before they all went to the car. All I could think of at that moment is that it is cold. "Please take them inside the car". Their hair is still wet and the weather had a cold breeze. Then he held Basel and took Faris's hand and took them to the car. Fastened them into their seats, and took off. I watched the car disappear into the darkness of the street. I don't know why, but I did not move. I kept on staring at the spot where the car disappeared. Then all of a sudden, I felt my heart beating so fast, I started breathing fast, I was able to feel my emotions rise up. It felt like a volcano is preparing to explode inside me. What the hell is wrong with me! They are safe and sound. They are going to enjoy staying at their father's place. What's happening? And before I know it, I was down on my knees sobbing. I cried and cried and cried. I was hysteric! I was not able to stop myself. This was one of those very rare times where I cried out loud. I dragged myself to my room and sat on the bed. At that time, the crying has stopped, but I had those hiccup-like episodes you have after crying hard. I had a look at myself in the mirror and saw that I have puffy eyes and my cheeks are all black from my eye makeup. Took a tissue, wiped my face, and started breathing in and out deeply. That helped to calm me down. But my heart still ached.

After a while.. my heart rested. I went to the bathroom, washed my face and brushed my teeth. Put on my pyjamas and went to bed. Though kids are usually asleep at that time, but I felt the house was empty. As if their breathing keeps me company every night. I decided I should go to sleep. I turned the lights off. It felt so strange that the corridor light was turned off. I usually keep it on for them. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

After I tried like a dozen positions to help me fall asleep, I decided to get up. I sat upright in bed wondering what to do. Took my phone and opened Facebook. Read my friends' statuses and commented on some of them. Then I went to Twitter. Nothing much since I last checked. Locked my phone and tucked myself in again. I was lying their in the dark with my eyes wide open. Was thinking that the kids are definitely asleep right now. I wondered if they have a separate room at their father's house or do they share his bed? Then I pulled myself out of bed, went to the corridor, and turned the light on. When I went back to sleep, it felt better! I think it took me a couple of minutes to fall asleep after that!

The next day, I woke up at 6:30 like I usually do when they are with me. The house was so quiet. I was all alone in bed. They usually come at night and tuck themselves in beside me.There were no feet on my face, no one was pulling the sheets, and all I could hear was the clock on the ceiling ticking. I felt so empty that day. I did not know what to do. No one needs feeding. No one needs changing. And funnily, there were no fights about who should sit where on the couch while watching TV.

That day was a very long day. Despite everything I tried doing, in the back of my head I was counting the hours. Isn't this life unfair? Aren't humans selfish? We bring adorable kids to life thinking that we would take good care of them and that we should only worry about the external factors that might harm them, to wake up one day and find that we were the ones who harmed them by our selfish decisions...

Stupid human beings!