One of life's stories..

Sitting in my bed after the kids went to sleep. I had a quick look around the room. Nothing was different, but everything has changed. It's a mixture of feelings. The room feels bigger, more comfortable, and quieter, yet it also gives a pinch of bitterness and sorrow. Holding my cup of tea in my hands so tight trying to feel warm, I looked at the door. I was able to imagine him coming in with his laptop; I was able to feel his presence. I even smelled his perfume. It's weird how the mind is able to register all these things. And how they reappear when you least expect them to.

I had a sip of my tea, then I stared at the walls for a minute. I was trying to test myself. I wanted to see if I’m hurt. I haven't had any emotional breakdown since the divorce, and I just don't think it's right. Tried to remember a good moment. Because the end was ugly, it took me a while to think of one. Then I remembered the first time we went out together.

It was on an autumn day. He picked me up and took me for a ride before we go to our dinner. I can still remember his car. I can still remember its smell, and its beige interior. He was wearing a light blue shirt with the sleeves rolled half way up, and khaki pants. He looked so good and fresh that day. I smiled when I remembered how he held my hand. How my heart skipped a beat when he did. While we were in the car, it started raining, and for the first time in my life, I didn't feel gloomy about the gray sky. We did not say a word.. we only held hands and drove.

It was raining heavily when we arrived to the restaurant. When I wanted to open the door, he asked me not to go out yet. He went out, opened the trunk and took out an umbrella he keeps for such rainy days. Came to my door, opened the umbrella, then opened the door for me while tilting the umbrella in a way that I am totally covered. We walked side by side and went in.

The restaurant was warm, and the smell of freshly baked bread filled the place. He reserved the table beside the fireplace. Though winter did not start yet, the fireplace was on that day. Our table was in the best spot: the fireplace on my left, and a huge window was in front of me. I was enjoying the scenery of the high mountains being washed by the pouring rain. Back then, my smile never faded, and I was thinking I was the luckiest girl on earth. I felt like my heart was overwhelmed with happiness and that I wanted to hold that moment forever.

I stopped for a while and listened carefully. I thought I heard one of the boys wake up. I stood still for a couple of seconds then realized that they are both still asleep. Looked at my tea to find that I have already finished half of it. I took another sip and closed my eyes to go back to that moment again. I remembered how his eyes were shining when he talked to me. How his whole face was smiling. How we were both so deeply in love. We talked and talked and talked. At that day, time didn't matter.. it was as if the whole world around us paused. When he told me he loved me, I felt like I was floating. I became weightless. And I felt like nothing would ever hurt me anymore. His words surrounded me like a blanket that made me feel safe and secure.

At that day, I didn’t know that one day down the road, after years of marriage and two kids, he will change. A girl will change him. And we will not be together anymore.

I opened my eyes, took a deep breath again, finished my tea, and then tried to analyze how I feel. I thought my heart would ache. I thought I would feel a lump in my throat. That I would want to cry myself to sleep. I thought I would feel helpless and scared. But to my surprise, my heart was peacefully beating.. no sorrow.. no tears.. no feelings of helplessness or fear. I was still strong and confident. I was still hopeful and thankful. I am bewildered! How can a love story like ours end this way? How can I be ok after it ended? How am I still surviving this? Am I that strong of a person? Or is it just a gift from God for me so that I can stand on my feet for my two boys?

No matter what the reason is.. I am thankful.. I am thankful I have had 7 years of love while others are still searching for it.. I am thankful I have had two adorable kids.. I am thankful I feel optimistic and strong after this love story ended dramatically, while others in my shoes can't.. and I am also thankful I am able to be single again!

Like a favorite song of mine says: Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you... Life has a funny way of helping you out..