So, at last, I got my Schengen visa that I have been waiting for a month now. I am planning to go visit Malaga in Spain. I should be excited and looking forward for the trip, as visiting Spain was one of my long-time dreams. But I am not! Why? Well motherhood hormones suck!
Instead, my heart sinks inside my rib cage. I feel like I want to cry. I thought about not going many times. It is crazy, I know. But mothers will get it.
Since I became a mother, so much has changed. Riding with anyone in a car has become a devastating experience; my whole body and mind would be focused with the driver, trying to capture any potential risk. My foot would subconsciously press the imaginary brake pedal beneath me, and I would be so focused and alert, that by the time the ride ends, I would feel tired and cranky.
Going to adventurous trips is no longer something I like to do. I still want them though, but when a trip is confirmed, I get cold feet! Bunji jumping, parachuting, and long risky hikes have always been things I want to do and so much enjoy. Today, I would shake my head every time I think about them.
Traveling? Well, that was one of my favorite "hobbies". I love to travel alone. I enjoy exploring. If I were rich, I would have traveled every couple of months. But all of that changed now. Every time I am about to travel, I feel like I am leaving for good. That alone scares the hell out of me. I prepare things for the kids as if I am never coming back. I say goodbye to them as if I am never coming back. And the goodbyes are never dry. I always reach to the plane with puffed eyes, that makes almost everyone stare.
The good thing though, is that as soon as I reach my destination, and as soon as I walk out of the airport and smell the air of the visited country and see the people and experience those very first things you do when you travel, like taking a cab and chatting with the driver and then check in to the hotel, all my negative feelings fade away and I go back to myself again. So, I guess I will feel better as soon as I arrive Malaga, and I will have a blast as usual.
Missing the kids will never go away though. Faris now can read, so the first thing I did this time is create an email for him so that we can communicate and I can tell him and Basel about my trip and the things I saw.
My mom, and every other mom I know used to say, that only when you become a mother you would know exactly how difficult it is. I know that now. I've been a mother for almost 8 years now. You would think that you get used to it with time, but it is actually the other way around. With every year, more emotions build up. With every milestone, new motherly hormones are developed. I guess this is God's way of assuring that kids are always loved and cared for, because if not for these heart-aching hormones, mothers of all kinds might just leave their kids. I hate to say this, but parenting is NOT easy, and will NOT get easier either.
Kids are a bliss to those who have them. Life without them is easier, but with them it becomes worth living. I can't wait for the goodbye moment to pass, and start my trip, but I also cannot wait till the week in Malaga ends and my boys are in my arms again. God how I sometimes hate those hormones!
My respect to all the mothers around the world. Some are living in hell while trying to maintain a good life for their kids..
Mom.. I love you. I know you won't read this ever.. But I do love you so much. I know how difficult it has been for you to raise us this way. You and dad are the greatest parents ever! Thank God I was born as your child...
I will be back soon to write about Malaga.. until then.. ten cuidado...