September 11, 2016

My Safe Haven

Nothing beats the feeling of the running water of the shower on your shoulders at the end of the day. 

There I was, feeling the strong rush of water tapping every nerve end. With each tap, underlying feelings sneak up. Feelings I have been suppressing. Like a pot of tea on the stove, it slowly gets warmer and warmer, until it is too late and the process of heating the tea is unstoppable. The tea starts to bubble up. 

Under the shower, I stand tall at first. Shoulders stiff. Face serious. It is like meeting your love after a fight. You try to be strong and apathetic. Then as soon as he says the first word and you hear his voice, your muscles loosen up, and your anger starts to melt down. 

In the shower, I can act however I want to act. There is no one to see my weakness, no one to hear my sobs. Even I cannot feel the warmth of my tears running down. 

When I feel like the ground underneath me is crumbling and volcanoes are about to explode, the shower is my safe haven. I stay there for as long as needed. I only get out when the crisis has ended. 


June 06, 2015

قصة عشق ثلاثية

أول مرة
اجلس في الطائرة ويدي على خدي.. يختلجني شعورا غريبا لم اعهده.. والوقت يمر ببطء على غير عادته.. ولأول مرة لا اشرب فنجان القهوة ولا افتح كتابي.. بل اسرح في دوامات افكاري.. لا آبه بذلك الطفل الباكي ولا بذاك الرجل النائم بالقرب من كتفي.. فحملي يقتلني وافكاري تشغلني..  
لقد احتلني الحب من غير حول مني ولا قوة.. وقد كنت اعلم ان هذه ستكون نهايتي.. فقد سمعت دويه قادم من بعيد ... آت نحوي.. ولكني تسمرت مكاني .. عقلي يصرخ "اهربي" .. لكن قلبي أدمن الألم.. فهو يهوى ذاك الطعم اللاسع للحب.. طعم تدمن عليه ما ان يتغلغل في عروقك اول مرة.. وقد كنت منذ صغري اقرب الى قلبي من عقلي.. فوقفت انتظر احتلالي.. وانا في قرارة نفسي اعلم بكل ما يحمل ذلك من الم وحرقة .. 
وجاء الحب وصدح صوته.. جاءني بسرعة الرياح وقوتها ... وقبل ان يصدمني.. توقف امامي يرمقني بنظرة انتصار وابتسامة صفراوية على شفتيه.. وقبل ان افتح فمي لاتكلم.. مد يديه لي.. ولم استطع الا ان امد له يدي.. احسست بنسماته تلتف حولي ... تغري جسدي.. تداعب شعري واذني.. احسست بدفئه من بعد ان عشت سنوات عديدة من البرد.. 
ولكن يا لسخرية هذه الدنيا! ها انا وحيدة على هذه الطائرة .. يدي تارة تحمل خدي وتارة اخرى تطبطب على فخذي.. كأنما تحاول ايجاد من يؤنس وحدتها من بعد ان افترقت عن يديه... 



اللقاء بعد اشهر من الفراق
جئتَ لسماء عماننا أخيرا.. والتقيت بك مرة أخرى.. لقاء ذو طعم وطني بعكس لقاء الغربة الماضي.. 
ياه كم اتمنى ان تكون لي..
عندما نتمشى في شوارع البلد القديمة.. نتصفح الكتب الملقاة على الأرفف المغبرة.. نضحك معا على بائع الكتب الساذج.. ونكتشف للمرة الألف أننا نتشابه في الكثير من الأشياء.. ثم نأكل معا من احد المطاعم البسيطة الموجودة في الطريق وسعادتنا بطعم حبات الفلافل تلك تفوق الوصف.. 
كم اتمنى ان تكون لي..
حين أراك ممسكا بيد طفل تداعبه وتحكي له قصصا مضحكة،  ويبتسم قلبي لرؤية ذاك الجانب منك.. ولبرهة دامت بضع ثوان أحس كأننا عائلة واحدة..
كم اتمنى ان تكون لي..
حين تطلب مني بطريقتك الرجولية الحنونة بأن أنتظر داخل السيارة ريثما تذهب أنت لشراء ما كنت قد طلبته أنا.. 

حين أنتبه فجأة لنظراتك الدافئة لي.. 

حين تطلق دعابات لإغاظتي..

حين تقول ما فكرت به انا..

وحين وحين وحين... 

كم اتمنى يوما أن أكون لك!



الحكم بالاعدام
وانتهت قصة عشقي له كما توقعنا لها ان تنتهي.. لم تنتهِ بعراك ولا صراخ.. ولا حتى دموع.. بل انتهت بعقلانية تامة.. فهذه الدنيا قامت باتخاذ القرار عنا.. انا وهو في منطقية هذا الكون لن نكون ابدا.. انا وهو شخصان التقيا بالرغم من أنف المنطق الدنيوي.. بالرغم من أن جميع القوى الكونية كانت ضد لقائنا هذا.. لكن بطريقة او باخرى التقينا.. وبالرغم من محاولات المنطق للتفريق بيننا الا اننا استطعنا محاربة جميع العواقب الكونية والاجتماعية.. على الاقل لفترة من الزمن..
لكن للاسف.. لكل خارج عن القانون عقاب.. وقد جاء وقت العقاب.. وجاء موعد الفراق.. استسلمت كمن حكم عليه بالاعدام منذ زمن فاعتاد على فكرة الموت في اي لحظة.. مشيت بخطوات واثقة للمقصلة.. واثقة ببراءتي.. العن بكل خطوة المجتمع والمنطق والحياة.. ركعت.. واسلمت رأسي لطرف المقصلة الحاد.. ألم سريع لكنه مميت..
هكذا كان فراقنا.. مقصلة اخرست كل كلمة حب خرجت من قلبينا.. 




 

May 22, 2014

Malaga here I come.. with a heart-ache!

So, at last, I got my Schengen visa that I have been waiting for a month now. I am planning to go visit Malaga in Spain. I should be excited and looking forward for the trip, as visiting Spain was one of my long-time dreams. But I am not! Why? Well motherhood hormones suck! 

Instead, my heart sinks inside my rib cage. I feel like I want to cry. I thought about not going many times. It is crazy, I know. But mothers will get it. 

Since I became a mother, so much has changed. Riding with anyone in a car has become a devastating experience; my whole body and mind would be focused with the driver, trying to capture any potential risk. My foot would subconsciously press the imaginary brake pedal beneath me, and I would be so focused and alert, that by the time the ride ends, I would feel tired and cranky. 

Going to adventurous trips is no longer something I like to do. I still want them though, but when a trip is confirmed, I get cold feet! Bunji jumping, parachuting, and long risky hikes have always been things I want to do and so much enjoy. Today, I would shake my head every time I think about them. 

Traveling? Well, that was one of my favorite "hobbies". I love to travel alone. I enjoy exploring. If I were rich, I would have traveled every couple of months. But all of that changed now. Every time I am about to travel, I feel like I am leaving for good. That alone scares the hell out of me. I prepare things for the kids as if I am never coming back. I say goodbye to them as if I am never coming back. And the goodbyes are never dry. I always reach to the plane with puffed eyes, that makes almost everyone stare. 

The good thing though, is that as soon as I reach my destination, and as soon as I walk out of the airport and smell the air of the visited country and see the people and experience those very first things you do when you travel, like taking a cab and chatting with the driver and then check in to the hotel, all my negative feelings fade away and I go back to myself again. So, I guess I will feel better as soon as I arrive Malaga, and I will have a blast as usual. 

Missing the kids will never go away though. Faris now can read, so the first thing I did this time is create an email for him so that we can communicate and I can tell him and Basel about my trip and the things I saw. 

My mom, and every other mom I know used to say, that only when you become a mother you would know exactly how difficult it is. I know that now. I've been a mother for almost 8 years now. You would think that you get used to it with time, but it is actually the other way around. With every year, more emotions build up. With every milestone, new motherly hormones are developed. I guess this is God's way of assuring that kids are always loved and cared for, because if not for these heart-aching hormones, mothers of all kinds might just leave their kids. I hate to say this, but parenting is NOT easy, and will NOT get easier either. 

Kids are a bliss to those who have them. Life without them is easier, but with them it becomes worth living. I can't wait for the goodbye moment to pass, and start my trip, but I also cannot wait till the week in Malaga ends and my boys are in my arms again. God how I sometimes hate those hormones! 

My respect to all the mothers around the world. Some are living in hell while trying to maintain a good life for their kids.. 

Mom.. I love you. I know you won't read this ever.. But I do love you so much. I know how difficult it has been for you to raise us this way. You and dad are the greatest parents ever! Thank God I was born as your child... 

I will be back soon to write about Malaga.. until then.. ten cuidado...

 



March 29, 2014

Keep the Door Open

When you least want it. When you least expect it. So suddenly, and so vigorously it knocks at your door. For some reason, as much as you do not want it, and as much as you resist, you find yourself forced to open the door for it.

This is Love.

The (sometimes) unwelcomed guest that changes your whole life overnight. It takes you to places you never visited before, even if it knocked your door many times before. Every time is a new journey. A journey full of joy, tears, laughs, and fights. That bitter-sweet feeling you experience. It’s like eating the finest dark chocolate there is. The bitterness of it is right there infuriating your taste buds, but you know it is the best thing you have ever had. Despite all the shortcomings of love, for some reason, your sky is full of rainbows every day.

Love drives you crazy, in a good way. Love extracts all your positive energy; it digs so deep for it, and then spreads it all over the place. It is even able to change who you are as a person.

Love is the reason for creativity. If not for love, we wouldn’t have had movies, songs, or novels. It raises you up to levels you never thought exist. It makes life worth it. Love, to me, is the fourth dimension.

Throughout our lives, we knit a colorful piece of memories derived from love. First touch. First kiss. First time to hear the words “I love you”. The longing and yearning. The silly, oh so silly, things you’ve done in the name of love. That feeling of goose bumps running down your back. The feeling you get in your chest similar to that one you get from riding a roller-coaster  The cold breeze that teased your cheeks on that midnight ride. That spark you never see except in the eyes of the one who loves you. A certain word. A certain smell. A song. All knitted perfectly in your mind, finding their way to the surface whenever needed. If not when conscious, then in your dreams.

If you don’t have love today, be sure it is coming for you tomorrow. Whether you are too young for it, or too old. Too busy to spot it, or too hurt to bear it. It will find you, and when it does, and when you finally feel its existence, please do not keep your door closed. Open it, even if just for a sneak peek. I promise you, you will never regret it!  

Because love is so grand, it should get a Nobel prize!